


he's a bombshell blond (i'm james bond)

by Dusty_Skyes



Category: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Drinking Games, M/M, can you tell that i like him?, dare to be stupid, distressing Rito anatomy, drunk revali is the best revali, i blame bibliomaniac
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 14:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10618851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dusty_Skyes/pseuds/Dusty_Skyes
Summary: It begins with a drinking challenge between just the four of them, Mipha and Zelda having decided to skip the outing entirely. Really, Mipha and Zelda skipping out should have been Urbosa's first warning bell.Or: Revali gets weird when drunk, and Urbosa and Daruk regret everything.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bibliomaniac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bibliomaniac/gifts).



> The title is from the song "Bombshell Blonde" by Owl City, though I did modify the pronouns to male. 
> 
> This work was inspired by a conversation [bibliomaniac](http://anuninterestingperson.tumblr.com) and I had on tumblr.

     Urbosa is never, ever, _ever_ letting Revali drink again. Once is definitely one time too many.

     It begins with a drinking challenge between just the four of them, Mipha and Zelda having decided to skip the outing entirely. Really, that should have been Urbosa's first warning bell. Link drinks quietly, sipping at his Hylian Sunrise with something akin to nervousness. He doesn't really drink a lot, that much Urbosa knows. Daruk laughs cheerfully, easily draining his glass and refilling it with one, smooth motion. Revali snickers at their drinks, knocking back several in a row without even looking the slightest bit affected. Urbosa frowns a little and sips daintily at her own.

     When the idea actually occurs, Daruk's barely affected by the alcohol, Link's been drunkenly giggling for a few minutes now, Revali's definitely tipsy, and she's halfway to drunk. “So, Revali,” Urbosa begins slyly, gesturing to the cup within his wing-tips, “how many of those can you drink?”

     “Many,” he responds flatly, knocking back another shot.

     “Bet you can't drink more than me.”

     The Rito twitches violently, his natural competitive nature rising upwards. Daruk chuckles nervously, tips back his drink, and says, “I don't think that's a good idea.” Link nods, looking mildly worried as he sips and giggles, hand covering his mouth.

     “Nonsense,” Revali snaps, because he's never been very good about refusing challenges, “consider your challenge accepted.” She laughs gleefully, uncorks another bottle of the stuff Revali's been steadily drinking, and shoves it in his direction.

     “Drink this entire bottle then,” Urbosa tells him smugly. He clacks his beak at her furiously, snatches up the bottle, and begins chugging it. Daruk drops his head into his hands, groaning faintly. Link slugs his drink back, drops the glass, and snatches up his own bottle, drinking straight from it. She laughs cheerfully, sipping her drink daintily and watching as the Rito drains the bottle and slams it down.

     “Well?” Revali slurs, “is that it?” He sways slightly, then snatches Link's bottle and downs that too.

     Holding her curiosity in check has never really been Urbosa's strong point, and she eyes the Rito's beak over the rim of her glass. “However do Rito kiss?” she finally asks. “I bet you can't.”

     Revali snarls at her, clacks his beak even more furiously, and snatches the collar of Link's shirt, dragging the other over the table and into range. Their mouths slot together messily, because Rito's really aren't made for kissing, and Revali shoves his tongue into Link's mouth.

     Daruk goes a shade of green, pretty impressive considering their skin color, and whispers, “I never wanted to know that much about Rito anatomy, but here we are.”

     Urbosa makes a gagging sound. “I didn't even know it was _possible_ for Rito to kiss.”

     “I could have gone my entire life without knowing, actually, but...” the Goron trails off and glances over once again. “Yep, they're still at it,” he mutters, covering his face with one massive hand in an attempt to block out the images.

     She catches a glimpse of a black tongue inside of Revali's beak and shudders. It's twice to three  _times_ the length of a normal one. “Goddess, look at the  _length_ of that tongue,” Urbosa breathes, horrified at the fact that Link seems to be  _enjoying_ having a Rito tongue shoved down his throat. 

     The Goron hums quietly, then asks, “I mean, yeah, but don't you think the beak would still get in the way when--wait, why am I even speculating about this?”

     Urbosa shrugs and takes another sip of her drink. “Because this is hilarious blackmail material and it's not like we have anything better to do?”

     Daruk nods, then pauses, looking thoughtful. “Hey,” he begins, “actually, do you think Link is the only one who can use the Sheikah Slate, because that thing has a camera, right?” His gaze swings around and he eyes the thing where it has been left on the table. “It's not like he'd notice one of us swiping it either. Like, he's...” Daruk trails off and glances over, wincing at the sight of the two of them caught up in kissing, “pretty busy.”

     “No,” Urbosa says, shaking her hair out of her face, “I know the princess took some photos herself.” She eyes where it is as well, noting with a wince how close it is to the kissing duo. That is far more tongue than she has _ever_ needed to see. “Um... So which one of us gets the Sheikah Slate?”

     The Goron winces and inches backwards a little. “No way I'm doing it. The Sheikah Slate is far too close to a certain, let's say, interested party member for my taste.”

     She rolls her eyes and sighs heavily, then hands him her drink. “Fine. I'll do it.”

     “Goddess-speed, brave soldier,” Daruk murmurs, saluting her casually. Pursing her lips together, she slinks past Revali and Link, making sure to grab the slate without attracting their attention and shoves it into his hands.

     “Here. Take the stupid thing and get those pictures. You have a better sense for composition than I do.” She snatches her drink back and leans against the wall, watching as Daruk pulls the screen up.

     “Holy shit,” he breathes, gleeful beyond belief, “it has _zoom_. This is going to be _brilliant_.”

     Urbosa makes a face and drains the rest of her drink, refilling it from a bottle. She no longer cares what the liquid is, just that it has alcohol in it. “Be quick about it. If those two find out, we're officially _dead_.”

     The Goron hums and spreads his fingers apart on the screen, zooming in on the duo's faces. She winces at the sight of Revali's tongue. “Does the rule of thirds make pictures of eye-meltingly horrible makeouts better or worse here?”

     “I don't know. I just want to see Revali's face when he realizes what we now have.” Urbosa stretches lazily, then adds, “And make sure to take enough so we can have copies.”

     “My _copies_ have copies,” Daruk retorts, giving her a long-suffering look. “And even if I didn't, this scene is so engraved into my poor retinas that I'm pretty sure I could draw it from memory. If I had any form of artistic ability, that is.”

     “Same, but we're going to hold this over Revali's head _forever_.” 

     “Oh, absolutely.” He pauses and then makes a noise of horrified disgust, shoving the Sheikah Slate into a pocket and heading for the door. “Whelp they've gone horizontal. Maybe it's time to go?”

     Urbosa gags a little and slugs down the last of the alcohol in her glass before dropping it onto a table. “Yeah, let's make a run for it while alcohol is still effective in removing the images. There's a bar nearby. My treat?”

     Daruk shivers slightly and closes the door firmly behind them as they step out into the streets. “How about you buy the first round and we'll see how the rest goes. I get spendy when I'm sloshed, and I assure you that's exactly what I intend to be.”

     “Same. I am never going to get that image out of my head. Oh, and uh, how about we never tell Mipha that we saw this?”

     “Agreed,” he mutters, “I'm not sure whether she'd cry or ask for one of the pictures.”

     Urbosa shrugs and turns onto the next street. “Probably both. And then kick Revali's ass into next week if he upsets Link at all.”

     “Which we all know he will.”

     “...Do you think if we gave Revali a shovel, he'd be kind enough to dig his own grave for us?”

     “Literally? All we'd have to do is dare him. He wouldn't even ask questions. I mean, that's how this got started in the first place.” Daruk gives her and flat look and she holds her hands up innocently, laughing cheerfully. “Figuratively, he's digging it right now.”

     She hums a little in acknowledgment, then points to the bar at the end of the next street. “You know what? I think I'd like to be as far away as possible when those two come back to their senses.”

     Daruk scratches his chin, rubbing at the bristles there as he thinks. “They'll pine for weeks and then have, like, marathon sex. I bet you 100 rupees. Anyway, I hear Gerudo Town is nice this time of year.”

     Slyly, Urbosa glances at him, a smirk on her painted lips. “I'll see that bet and raise you 150 rupees that they'll be banging within two weeks. And Gerudo Town sounds fine. Maybe if we leave now we can make it there before they come to.”

     A hearty laugh escapes Daruk. “My gut instinct is three because Revali has his head up his ass so far he's looking out, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I think I have a bottle of that sunburn salve somewhere, so this works out just fine.”

     “Oh yes. Shall we go and empty that bar? Or just go ahead and skip town right now?”

     He gives her a disgusted look and mock gags. “Oh, no  _way_ am I'm doing that trip sober, not with the memory of Revali's ridiculously oversized tongue still intact. Bar first.” 

     She shrugs. “Let's go. I have enough rupees on me to get the both of us thoroughly sloshed. In the morning we can take the hangover remedies I have and skip town. That sound good?”

     “Aces. Although I'm a bit afraid to sleep.”

     “If you're drunk enough, you don't dream.”

     “Oh, I didn't mean dreaming. I'm worried about assassination.”

     “Phhft. Us? I could gut someone even dead drunk. Just lock the damn door and trap the place into a maze. Or, you know, sleep standing up.”

     The look Daruk gives her says that she missed something obvious. “I'm just saying, Revali gets pretty crafty when he's angry, and if one of the other people tells him in the morning that we took pictures he's going to be pretty angry. That said, I'm not sure I can take him seriously after tonight." He snickers quietly, then adds, "Do you think if I laughed in his face he'd just leave?”

     “I think he'd try and stab you in the eye with an arrow first. Okay, so we buy out the bar, skip town, and then get drunk on the way to Gerudo Town.”

     “Sounds like a plan. I knew I kept you around for a reason. I don't plan well when nauseous.”

     “I do all my best planning when mentally scarred. And, uh, when we do hold these pictures over Revali's head, let's just make sure we have a good escape route first.”

     “He probably couldn't follow us underground, right?” Urbosa glances at the Goron, twitching nervously when the other merely shrugs. The bar isn't that far now.

     “I don't think so. Escape tunnel that is collapsed when we're halfway down it? Come on, the bar's over here.”

     “I hear they make a mean Hylian Sunrise, but honestly right now I'm sort of wondering if straight ethanol might be the only solution.”

     “I don't know what you're going to drink, but I plan on guzzling Absinthe by the bottle.”

     “Definitely Everclear for me. Does that come in bottles? Do they let you have bottles?”

     “If you ask prettily enough, or explain that you saw a Rito make out with a Hylian, they might let you have one. Or, you know, you could just do what I'm going to do, and pay double for a bottle.”

     “I don't think the bartender's done anything to deserve that mental image. I'm not even sure what I did, and I do a lot of things. I'll pay extra.” Daruk rumbles a laugh and tugs out his wallet. Urbosa has zero idea of where he usually keeps it and she would rather not know.

     “Good choice. If we order five or six bottles, we can get out of here and be in the desert by the time Revali comes to his senses.” Urbosa glances around quickly, then leans over and hisses, “Apparently Rito don't stay drunk as long as we do. Something 'bout their systems being highly efficient. I zoned out on him the last time he bragged, so I don't know much more other than the fact that we have to be quick.”

     “Goddess, that man. I never know whether the Rito are some highly evolved super-race or whether he's constantly taking the piss because he knows he can get away with it. But I'm not going to risk it this time.”

     “Exactly. I'd rather deal with the desert than a pissy Rito who knows that we have done something. It's like he has some sort of sixth-sense. He always knows when we've done something that involves him.”

     “To be fair, it's a rarity that we've _not_ done something that involves him.” 

     “Yes, but usually it isn't this level of blackmail. The last time I did something like this, he immediately knew that I was the one who drew on his face.”

     “Actually, that may have been my fault. You stole the last piece of steamed mushroom and I was pissed. Maybe Revali just has a highly connected information network?”

     Urbosa waves it off. She already knew that he had sold her out that time. “No, no, no. Not that one, the one before it. The one where I drew a fish across his beak.” Another glance around and she twitches. There's something off. A glance at Daruk tells her that he can feel it, too.

     “Oh, that one I didn't tell, then, so I'll agree that's sort of creepy. A classic, by the way. It didn't rub off for days.”

     “I know. You should have heard the squawking. Link couldn't stop laughing.”

     “Now that I think of it, Link is always sort of _around_ Revali. Like, especially when pranks are happening, but the rest of the time too. I take it back, you're probably right about the two weeks.” 

     “Actually, at this rate they'll probably bang after the hangover goes away, then spend the rest of the week squabbling just to mess with our heads.”

     “Well, if they're going to involve us in their weird hate-play then we might as well have some fun with it.”

     “Stick around for the week then? And lie through our teeth about the photos?”

     “Sure. But the plan had better still involve alcohol.”

     “Of course. All the good plans involve alcohol. This one is simply going to take lots.”

     “I'm going to be down a lot of Rupees before the week is out, I can already tell it.”

     “Same. Good thing I have quite the stash hidden away. You have the Sheikah Slate, right? I have the feeling that we're going to be taking a _lot_ more pictures.” 

     “Yes, I have it. Want to take a picture together? We can commemorate the last night before we become wanted individuals. But then delete it, obviously, because otherwise it'll be a dead giveaway.”

     There's the faintest swish of feathers in the air and Urbosa's head snaps up. Across the way, on a roof, is Revali. He's glaring viciously in their direction. Her blood runs cold. “Duh. And, uh, I think you mean dead individuals because I see Revali on a rooftop.”

     “Oh, Goddess. I'm presuming he's alone and that they've not just gotten particularly creative about location?”

     “He's alone and he's stringing his bow. I think we need to run. Still seems drunk though.” She eyes the way he clumsily slings the string around the other end of his bow. Every second that passes, his movements become smoother.

     Daruk winces, his own face paling of color. “I've seen him shoot drunk before. We definitely need to run.”

     “...Do you think if we're fast enough we can make it to Gerudo Town without too many injuries?”

     “Hey, what's an arrow to the liver among friends?” The Goron laughs. “We'll be fine. Ish. We'll be fine-ish.”

     Cursing faintly in the ancient tongue of the Gerudo, sand and wind whipping from her lips, Urbosa ducks an arrow, practically flinging herself over Daruk in an attempt to dodge. “No. No, we won't. _RUN_.”

     The Goron immediately takes off, just barely avoiding taking an arrow the shoulder. “I don't see this ending well!” he calls over the rush of the wind.

     Urbosa ducks again, feeling the shaft rip through a few threads of her hair. “Maybe if we make it to Mipha she can calm him down?” She skids around a corner, nearly falling, and barely manages to dodge another shot. Goddess-damn Revali for being so good with a bow. At least he's too drunk to manage more than one arrow at a time.

     “I thought we weren't telling Mipha!” Daruk nearly yells. He trips, rolls a few times, and manages to stumble to his feet again just in time to duck an arrow. “I thought we said there would be tears!”

     The Gerudo gives him a dirty look and shoves red hair out of her face. She can see Revali gliding from roof to roof out of the corner of her eyes. “Oh, we don't have to tell her _everything_ , just that we got Revali drunk and now he's mad at us! Or maybe we should just tell her the whole truth and let her eviscerate Revali for us!”

     Daruk winces, frowning just the slightest. “Revali is horrid and I hate him, but I don't know if even he deserves that fate.”

     “Well if he manages to shoot us, he'll be dead anyway!”

     For a while, Daruk is silent. “...Fair. We're sort of under an obligation to save him from himself, aren't we?”

     “You run left. I'll double around and tackle him. Then I'll give the bow to Mipha, meet up with you, and we can hide for the rest of the month.” Urbosa salutes him and then vaults over a nearby box, scrambling to crawl up the side of the building. Hopefully she can make it to the top without being spotted. Immensely unlikely, given that Rito have eyes from hell, but whatever. She can still try.

     Behind her, Daruk calls, “Okay! Hope to see you on the other side of all this!” and immediately veers left and down a side street. If this doesn't work, she's going to have _issues_.  


**Author's Note:**

> Come stalk me on my [tumblr](http://gravitys-child.tumblr.com). My ask box is open and I enjoy chatting with others. Feel free to request stuff, too.


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